BitterNews for Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010

Sorry kids, there wasn’t much happening the last three days. But here it is:

• The Grammy Awards were Sunday. Leon Russell looked unsure as to where he was. Lady Gaga is still hideous looking all the time despite number of costume changes. Would love to see her psychiatrist’s notes.
• The same idiots who were at the Grammys cut a new version of “We Are The World” on Monday. Lady Gaga, Kanye West and Usher are no match for Tina Turner, Bruce Springsteen and Michael Jackson. Or even Kim Carnes, Huey Lewis and Tito Jackson. Haiti says “no thanks” but Africa is wondering where their next check is coming from, because the last time I checked, they were still fucked and it IS their song. If I were Africa, I’d sue Haiti for royalties. And at least they cared enough about Africa to write a new song, not just covering an old tune. I guess the real reason these artists are doing this is because they want to be on a record that sells.
• Scorpions are breaking up, but not after releasing a final album and touring it worldwide for two years. They claim the breakup is because they don't want to be too old onstage. Apparently the telex with the news that they are too old got stuck in the paper feeder back in 1986.
• Conflicting News of the Day Pt 1: Steve Tyler is looking to block Aerosmith’s search for a new singer. Which is funny, because he audtioned to be the new Led Zeppelin vocalist. Pot, kettle. Kettle, pot.
• Conflicting News of the Day Pt 2: Obama is going to meet Dalai Lama (it rhymes!) and we should expect more terrorist attacks.
• Peter Murphy (ex-Bauhaus) and Brendan Perry (ex-Dead Can Dance) will tour together in the spring to prove that two washed up losers from bands no one ever REALLY liked can, as a pair, sell as few tickets as they would if they toured seperately.
• Rocket World toys are doing a Star Trek collab. Expect it at SDCC 2010.
• Did I mention the Hot Toys Blade 2 figure is out in HK? It is.
• Biff Bang Pow are doing Mego-style figures based on their licenses, including some new ones: Venture Brothers, Dexter, Lost, Big Lebowski, Twilight Zone, Flash Gordon and Scott Ian of Anthrax. Who cares anymore? Mattel is in the process of proving my theorem: NO ONE.
• Matty did some Q&A’s for Feb 1. What did we learn? That toy collectors ask stupid questions. Like this; “Do you have the Shazam license?.” I guess those Captain Marvel, Billy Marvel & Mary Marvel figures they did weren’t enough of an indicator for Mattel retards. Or how about this? Their customers are mad that they never got the JLU 4-packs that were rotting on the site since when? June? Even the normally unflappable Matty bared his fangs at that bullshit, saying that none of the JLU 4-packs sold at a level that met their modest sales thresholds and that fans shouldn’t be crying like little bitches if they didn’t buy shit that had been on sale forever.
• This looks like a L-I-T-E comic week, but it does have a new book drawn by Art Adams!
• There are six new Bowen items for sale, a Black Cat statue (because there aren’t enough Black Cat things to jerk off on (I mean admire)), a War Machine Armor statue, a Warriors Three 3-pack of busts, a Pyro bust, and two exclusives: a Faux Bronze Hawkete (who buys this faux metal shit?) and an Ion variant Wonder Man mini-bust.
• There are naked pictures of Snooki from Jersey Shore going around the internet. If I never post again, it’s because I saw them & gouged my eyes out. Don’t pity me, I’ll be in a better place.
• Planet Hulk DVD & Blu Ray came out today. Look for a review soon.
• Best Buy has an exclusive second disc in Zombieland – both formats.
• The next 3A release is WWRp Large Martin on 2/18 NZ time.
• Kevin Smith & Neil Gaiman had a twitter war today over Amanda Palmer. Personally I’d rather stick my dick in a meat grinder than in a phony german cabaret singer, but may the best man win.
• Academy Award noms announced today. The ten films in best picture category allowed in dark horses like District 9 and Avatar. If Avatar wins, we, as a race, deserve to be exterminated.
• MINDStyle has unveiled their second Black Hole vinyl figure, Maximilian.
• If Zac Efron ends up playing Spider-man, all those who wished Raimi away will be very sorry.
• Some nice pics and trailers from the Upcoming Losers film are floating around, including less revealing than I’d like naked Uhura pics.
• Rich Johnston (and his writers) still should not write about things he/they do not understand. Since last time, more about toys and a piece about Saturday Night Live. Hey Teabags, we don’t care about your BBC 99-part history of chain mail either!
• Avengers relaunch is in May by Bendis & John Romita, Jr.
• Amazon had a tough week, what with the iTampon announcement and now a fight/showdown that they made public and then caved on with MacMillan over e-book pricing. This skirmish leads us to think that Jobs has agreed to a $14.99 price point on bestsellers and that publishers are going to expect the same deal from Amazon now that there is serious competition for the market. And seriously, if you don’t already have a kindle, why would you buy one now?
• American Psycho is going to be a Broadway musical with songs by Duncan Sheik. What? No Huey Lewis??
• The Sgt Rock movie is now going to be a GI Joe movie as the story is updated to a “future” war according to Joel Silver. Did they see the Joe film? Does the name Sgt Rock mean anything in a futuristic setting? Isn’t WW2 the whole point? Oh sorry, I was using common sense. Apologies.
• Cowboys & Aliens rebounded quickly from the loss of Robert Downey, Jr with Daniel Craig and now Olivia Wilde.
• Kate Beckinsdale is returning to the Underworld franchise in Underworld 3-D.
• There’s a Young Justice League animated series in the works.
• There are new trailers online for Clash of the Titans and a redband one for Kickass. Clash is moved back to April 2 for 3-D work, and the next Harry Potter film will be in 3-D as well. Thanks, James Cameron.
• Look for the Smallville movie this Friday night with the Justice League.
• Oprah’s farewell shows will have their own behind-the-scenes TV series. Just go away, bitch.
• Jesse Malin has a new band called “St Marks Social”, recalling the glory days of Coney Island High.
• The doc that killed Michael Jackson is surrendering to authorities in LA next week, yet the guys that did that to his face roam free.
• Barry Blitzer (TV writer of the Flintstones, Get Smart) has died. I’m going to start using his name because it’s the BEST NAME EVER!! And he’s not using it.
• Rob Zombie’s “sequel” to Hellbilly Deluxe was released today. Let’s hope it’s better than his other sequels.
• A-ha are playing three US dates on their “Farewell” tour. Yes, they are still around.
• The Slightly Tepid Chili Peppers have a new guitarist.
• Their old guitarist, Dave Navarro, is going to be in a new porno based on the 60’s Batman TV show. It’s the only way he can get to bang chicks as leathery and spent as ex-wife Carmen Electra.
• Charlize Theron is single.
• Brittany Murphy’s deadbeat husband is launching a “charity” “foundation” in her name at an “event” that costs $1000 to attend.
• The My Bloody Valentine reissues are pushed back AGAIN. New date is March 8th, but let’s be honest, that won’t happen.
• Le Tigre have written songs for the next Christina Aguilera record, proving that everyone will whore themselves out if the right opportunity comes along.
• Johnny Depp has forgiven Roman Polanski and says the US should leave him alone because he’s nice now. Except that we’re not trying to bring him back to sentence him based on his character these days, we’re going to punish him for a crime he committed years ago, douchebag. Fucking actors. And directing a Keith Richards documentary isn’t going to make me think any better of you, Edward Scissorhands. How about you answer this?; if someone doped up your underage daughter and then ass-raped her, would you want them to face justice after thirty + years, or would you want them to go free because they’ve been married for a few years now? That’s what I thought, Jackass Sparrow.
• There is going to be a Milli Vanilli movie.
• That’s enough. Go watch LOST.