Saturday, March 13, 2010

BitterNews for Saturday, March 13th, 2010

* Mattel Fuck Up Of The Day: Here’s a note that Matty sent yesterday (emphasis ours), with Racist Robot’s 1st “Booshit” translation in red:

"Just a quick update on our sale Monday, March 15th. All products arrived yesterday at our warehouse so the sale will proceed as planned, with one small caveat. Under normal conditions, products ship within about 5 days of purchase or subscription renewal date. This hinges on the product getting to the warehouse in enough time for them to receive and properly process it, which is supposed to be at least two weeks before the sale date. Sometimes, circumstances beyond our control (like in this case) mean the warehouse doesn’t get the time it needs. They’re still hoping to get everything out in the 5 day window, but we need to allow for an extra day or two, just in case. "

Dayum – we fugged up agin! Can yous believe it? I cans! Shit be crazy bad and we ain’t even realize it until Friday befo’ da sale! We’s da biggest baddest toy company in the muthafuggin worl’, but we still ain’t be hearing our own 411 on how our shippinatin’ and ree-seevinamatin’ is comin’ down at our own fass-ill-itees! But hey, we's just warnin' yo dat dey MIGHT be prollums - cuz dat ain't never happen with our shit befo'! Oh, SNAP! You Nerds nevah be gettin' yo shit – WORD!

"You’ll know your order has shipped when you receive the shipment confirmation email (when it’s shipped, the confirmation is triggered), so don’t worry if you don’t get your shipping confirmation right away. Product normally leaves the warehouse within 5 days and we’re allowing an extra 2 just in case. If you don’t get the confirmation after 7 business days, then please do contact customer service."

Don't worry!? That be like tellin' a Haitian not to freak out if de erf start vibratin"!!! How many times you be fuckin' peeples ovah and expect 'em not to be freekin' da fuck out???!! Nerds be jittery all day Monday, not sleepin’ all week until dey hears from ‘ol man Digital Ribber, which ain’t nevuh happin, cuz Ribber be out shootin dice or sellin mad crack cuz they be stone pimps, but not so inerrested in shippin’ or custamuh soivice. DAYUM! Tired Nerds be WACK!!

"One other thing is that available quantities of most products are fairly low (beyond the subscriptions − those are all guaranteed), so we do expect a quick sellout on most items. Also, we know that with the volume of our sales you should expect to see the white “rate limiter” screen (similar to buying concert tickets). Please don’t panic − it’s there to keep the massive amounts of traffic flowing without crashing the servers. And definitely don’t hit refresh, or you’ll lose your place in the queue.”

JIBBITY FRIED CHICKINS! How dis be news?? Mattel still ain’t got makinatin’ togevver!?? Internet be on FIYO all day MONDEY CUZ A DIS SHIT! Nerds be goin’ MAD CRAZY! Servers be crashin', items be out of stock in like 5 minits or sumthin', hate be flying', facebook be crashin', peeples be gettin' kicked off da forums fer cursin' - an it all be dat ToyGooroo's faulty - he be too busy jackin’ he dick to his weak-ass Soopa Powaz shit to be makin’ attention on the here an’ now! Whut he care about da customer? He got his shit and he playin' with it right now, wif Julius Marx be gobblin' on his johnson! Them ol’ white people whut owns Mattels should be firin’ his pale white ass! But at leas’ Gooroo got da blamin’ game downs stone cold – it allus be summun else’s fault – you gots to remmemer dat when de PO-leese or yo’ Mamma be bustin’ on ya! Poysonally, I’s prefer to have summun else to blame - like my cuz Russel – ToyGooroo ain’t eben got da brainz to fabri-mo-cate a plozzible lie! WATTY-MELONS, BITCHES!

DISCLAIMER: Racist Robot** is not a Racist, inasmuch as he has no prejudices against any particular class, creed or color – but he is inherently a figure of Racism in that his mere existence (thanks Michael Bay!) shows that Racism still runs rampant and is unapologetically exploited for a dollar and a cent. What Racist Robot can’t stand however is bullshit, especially from the companies that manufacture the art and products we love (and the ones that suck, too!). Therefore, Racist Robot has been programmed to interpret Press Releases, quotes and other garbage passed from Corporations to Fans, and he’ll do it all, exclusively here on BitterGeeks!

** Please note that Racist Robot is an actual mass-produced toy that was sold in stores all over the world – based on a blatantly offensive character from the Transformers films. There was a minor hubbub at the time but it quickly blew over, although no one bothered to peel back the layers as we’ve done here, painting it to emphasize what an offensive caricature it is.

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