Yes, the monthly Matty suckage saga continues...time to get over it

Seriously, it's just a joke at this point and the monthly experience with these guys is like that old Bill Murray movie "Groundhog Day" where the same events and conversations occur over and over again.

Yes, it's true. Mattycollector.com, Toyguru aka Scott Neitlich, Mattel, Digital River, they all really suck at managing collector brands, executing distribution at the mass market retail level and providing any resemblance of an online ecommerce experience. Blah, Blah. And this isn't just our view at this point. Hell, one of Mattel's lead action figure lines brand managers, Scott Neitlich frequently will post and confirm these facts himself on their own Twitter, Facebook, forums and online Q&A responses all the time.

"Hey toy fans - heads up that once again you will likely find item "X' sold out before the sale barely begins!"

"Hey toy fans - We know we have site issues that make your purchasing experience painful monthly. It's only been going on monthly for a year but were working on it! It's our highest priority!"

"Hey toy fans - we understand you can't find any of the new figures at retail and that we keep shipping old stock instead. Totally the retailer's fault even though it's been a problem for over a year now. But it's our highest priority to fix!"

So here is the real lesson learned for all collectors, including us Geeks. The issues with Mattel aren't going to end anytime soon so just refuse to put yourself through the process. Look we understand a collector of a favorite toy line needs to keep buying the next new exclusive figure or wave. Guilty as charged! But we have to be patient. Not for Mattel to get their act together...that ain't going to happen anytime soon.

Screw trying to buy the next Master of the Universe figure on Matty's site. If you need to head to ebay for the figure, check out recent sold prices for recent releases. They all come down close to what you could have paid at retail including shipping. Not only that, Scott has confirmed both in words and actions that just about every new exclusive figure will be re-released again in a few months. And if you don't think the whole MOTU line isn't heading to Toys-R-Us soon as an exclusive brand, you'd be kidding yourselves. And when that happens, Mattel will re-release all the previously sold out characters again. Check it out...we've already seen Skeletor repackaged 4 times in the past year. An initial release online, second release online, new TRU two-pack with Lex Luthor and an upcoming San Diego Comic-con two-pack exclusive. It won't be too long now before the scalpers realize this line isn't going to be worth time and investment.

Another example? How about Mattel re-releasing DC Universe wave 5 online in May? The hardest to find series in the line to date will no longer be hard to find. Not only that, but there may be less and less DCU exclusives to purchase online anyway as Scott has already confirmed the following DC products do not sell well on the Matty store: JLU, DCU two-packs, DCU full waves. That would leave them with trying to sell singles soon begining with Plastic Man in August.

So we get it now. Thanks Mattel, lesson learned on our end. Until you can figure it all out, we'll wait our purchases out and perhaps give our money to the secondary market instead of putting ourselves through the pain and frustration of trying to give it directly to you.

Matty does it again or Mattel fuck up of the day

Looks like Mattel and Matty are planning to re-release the hardest wave of the of the DC Universe toy line in May. DCU Wave 5, the infamous 2008 Wal-Mart exclusive build a figure set.

While plenty of the line's fans are going to be very happy about this development it sure is a kick in the balls to other dedicated collectors who have spend a lot of time and $$$ completing their own sets with this wave. On ebay a sealed set of five figures has fetched over $300 for some time now.

It's just further proof that Toyguru and his team at Mattel are just clueless when it comes to communication or how to deal with the line and it's fan base. Production would have to begin months back in 2009 for a planned May 2010 sale and shipping. Why not tell collectors months ago they had plans to do this instead of allowing many of them to waste hard earned money on the secondary market? Hell, why not even mention it back in San Diego last year? The answer, as always of course is that they are incompetent idiots. And they love to prove this fact week in and week out.

So yeah, it's great I can finally fill in that hole in my collection after all these years but I for one would be livid if I had dropped that kind of money on this wave only to discover Mattel found a new way to fuck me over (again) on this brand.

Watch ebay just fill up with desperate collectors trying to get at least some of their money back on this wave over the next several weeks as the news gets out.

BitterNews for Saturday, March 13th, 2010

* Mattel Fuck Up Of The Day: Here’s a note that Matty sent yesterday (emphasis ours), with Racist Robot’s 1st “Booshit” translation in red:

"Just a quick update on our sale Monday, March 15th. All products arrived yesterday at our warehouse so the sale will proceed as planned, with one small caveat. Under normal conditions, products ship within about 5 days of purchase or subscription renewal date. This hinges on the product getting to the warehouse in enough time for them to receive and properly process it, which is supposed to be at least two weeks before the sale date. Sometimes, circumstances beyond our control (like in this case) mean the warehouse doesn’t get the time it needs. They’re still hoping to get everything out in the 5 day window, but we need to allow for an extra day or two, just in case. "

Dayum – we fugged up agin! Can yous believe it? I cans! Shit be crazy bad and we ain’t even realize it until Friday befo’ da sale! We’s da biggest baddest toy company in the muthafuggin worl’, but we still ain’t be hearing our own 411 on how our shippinatin’ and ree-seevinamatin’ is comin’ down at our own fass-ill-itees! But hey, we's just warnin' yo dat dey MIGHT be prollums - cuz dat ain't never happen with our shit befo'! Oh, SNAP! You Nerds nevah be gettin' yo shit – WORD!

"You’ll know your order has shipped when you receive the shipment confirmation email (when it’s shipped, the confirmation is triggered), so don’t worry if you don’t get your shipping confirmation right away. Product normally leaves the warehouse within 5 days and we’re allowing an extra 2 just in case. If you don’t get the confirmation after 7 business days, then please do contact customer service."

Don't worry!? That be like tellin' a Haitian not to freak out if de erf start vibratin"!!! How many times you be fuckin' peeples ovah and expect 'em not to be freekin' da fuck out???!! Nerds be jittery all day Monday, not sleepin’ all week until dey hears from ‘ol man Digital Ribber, which ain’t nevuh happin, cuz Ribber be out shootin dice or sellin mad crack cuz they be stone pimps, but not so inerrested in shippin’ or custamuh soivice. DAYUM! Tired Nerds be WACK!!

"One other thing is that available quantities of most products are fairly low (beyond the subscriptions − those are all guaranteed), so we do expect a quick sellout on most items. Also, we know that with the volume of our sales you should expect to see the white “rate limiter” screen (similar to buying concert tickets). Please don’t panic − it’s there to keep the massive amounts of traffic flowing without crashing the servers. And definitely don’t hit refresh, or you’ll lose your place in the queue.”

JIBBITY FRIED CHICKINS! How dis be news?? Mattel still ain’t got makinatin’ togevver!?? Internet be on FIYO all day MONDEY CUZ A DIS SHIT! Nerds be goin’ MAD CRAZY! Servers be crashin', items be out of stock in like 5 minits or sumthin', hate be flying', facebook be crashin', peeples be gettin' kicked off da forums fer cursin' - an it all be dat ToyGooroo's faulty - he be too busy jackin’ he dick to his weak-ass Soopa Powaz shit to be makin’ attention on the here an’ now! Whut he care about da customer? He got his shit and he playin' with it right now, wif Julius Marx be gobblin' on his johnson! Them ol’ white people whut owns Mattels should be firin’ his pale white ass! But at leas’ Gooroo got da blamin’ game downs stone cold – it allus be summun else’s fault – you gots to remmemer dat when de PO-leese or yo’ Mamma be bustin’ on ya! Poysonally, I’s prefer to have summun else to blame - like my cuz Russel – ToyGooroo ain’t eben got da brainz to fabri-mo-cate a plozzible lie! WATTY-MELONS, BITCHES!

DISCLAIMER: Racist Robot** is not a Racist, inasmuch as he has no prejudices against any particular class, creed or color – but he is inherently a figure of Racism in that his mere existence (thanks Michael Bay!) shows that Racism still runs rampant and is unapologetically exploited for a dollar and a cent. What Racist Robot can’t stand however is bullshit, especially from the companies that manufacture the art and products we love (and the ones that suck, too!). Therefore, Racist Robot has been programmed to interpret Press Releases, quotes and other garbage passed from Corporations to Fans, and he’ll do it all, exclusively here on BitterGeeks!

** Please note that Racist Robot is an actual mass-produced toy that was sold in stores all over the world – based on a blatantly offensive character from the Transformers films. There was a minor hubbub at the time but it quickly blew over, although no one bothered to peel back the layers as we’ve done here, painting it to emphasize what an offensive caricature it is.

BitterNews for February 12, 2010

Eduardo Barreto is “gravely ill”. This guy is one of the most underrated artists working in comics today – although he has been doing the Judge Parker strip recently (I wonder how many papers carry that at this point?). Hope he gets well soon.

Roger Daltrey has joined me in not thinking much of the Who performance at the Super Bowl.

Guns N Roses played at the former site of CBGB’s last night as part of Fashion Week (cannot imagine the size of that paycheck) and they covered AC/DC’s Whole Lotta Rosie. The 17 song set included a scant 3 songs from Chinese Democracy.

Congrats to Mindy Kaling, who wrote the funniest episode of the Office this season so far – it aired last night. She plays Kelly Kapoor on the show.

Happy Valentines weekend! Nakedsnooki.com launched today. Yes, it is what you think. Click at your own risk. If your eyeballs melt or your house explodes, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Hot Toys revealed their Sarah Conner figure today as a “Valentines” surprise. Considering the target audience, this may be the only female figure they will ever get in their house, even after paying $150.00. Looks great, of course.

Kelly Bensimon is in the new Playboy! Who is Kelly Bensimon? I can’t be bothered to read the caption under her photo on the cover….

New Shag shriner vinyl figure revealed at Rotfugi. Looks awesome!

Matty posted to Facebook that the DCUC series 12 sets are on sale the 16th of Feb, although this is in direct contradiction to previous statements from Matty, which claimed March 15th. So who knows? Certainly not Mattel.

BitterNews for Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010

Sorry kids, there wasn’t much happening the last three days. But here it is:

• The Grammy Awards were Sunday. Leon Russell looked unsure as to where he was. Lady Gaga is still hideous looking all the time despite number of costume changes. Would love to see her psychiatrist’s notes.
• The same idiots who were at the Grammys cut a new version of “We Are The World” on Monday. Lady Gaga, Kanye West and Usher are no match for Tina Turner, Bruce Springsteen and Michael Jackson. Or even Kim Carnes, Huey Lewis and Tito Jackson. Haiti says “no thanks” but Africa is wondering where their next check is coming from, because the last time I checked, they were still fucked and it IS their song. If I were Africa, I’d sue Haiti for royalties. And at least they cared enough about Africa to write a new song, not just covering an old tune. I guess the real reason these artists are doing this is because they want to be on a record that sells.
• Scorpions are breaking up, but not after releasing a final album and touring it worldwide for two years. They claim the breakup is because they don't want to be too old onstage. Apparently the telex with the news that they are too old got stuck in the paper feeder back in 1986.
• Conflicting News of the Day Pt 1: Steve Tyler is looking to block Aerosmith’s search for a new singer. Which is funny, because he audtioned to be the new Led Zeppelin vocalist. Pot, kettle. Kettle, pot.
• Conflicting News of the Day Pt 2: Obama is going to meet Dalai Lama (it rhymes!) and we should expect more terrorist attacks.
• Peter Murphy (ex-Bauhaus) and Brendan Perry (ex-Dead Can Dance) will tour together in the spring to prove that two washed up losers from bands no one ever REALLY liked can, as a pair, sell as few tickets as they would if they toured seperately.
• Rocket World toys are doing a Star Trek collab. Expect it at SDCC 2010.
• Did I mention the Hot Toys Blade 2 figure is out in HK? It is.
• Biff Bang Pow are doing Mego-style figures based on their licenses, including some new ones: Venture Brothers, Dexter, Lost, Big Lebowski, Twilight Zone, Flash Gordon and Scott Ian of Anthrax. Who cares anymore? Mattel is in the process of proving my theorem: NO ONE.
• Matty did some Q&A’s for Feb 1. What did we learn? That toy collectors ask stupid questions. Like this; “Do you have the Shazam license?.” I guess those Captain Marvel, Billy Marvel & Mary Marvel figures they did weren’t enough of an indicator for Mattel retards. Or how about this? Their customers are mad that they never got the JLU 4-packs that were rotting on the site since when? June? Even the normally unflappable Matty bared his fangs at that bullshit, saying that none of the JLU 4-packs sold at a level that met their modest sales thresholds and that fans shouldn’t be crying like little bitches if they didn’t buy shit that had been on sale forever.
• This looks like a L-I-T-E comic week, but it does have a new book drawn by Art Adams!
• There are six new Bowen items for sale, a Black Cat statue (because there aren’t enough Black Cat things to jerk off on (I mean admire)), a War Machine Armor statue, a Warriors Three 3-pack of busts, a Pyro bust, and two exclusives: a Faux Bronze Hawkete (who buys this faux metal shit?) and an Ion variant Wonder Man mini-bust.
• There are naked pictures of Snooki from Jersey Shore going around the internet. If I never post again, it’s because I saw them & gouged my eyes out. Don’t pity me, I’ll be in a better place.
• Planet Hulk DVD & Blu Ray came out today. Look for a review soon.
• Best Buy has an exclusive second disc in Zombieland – both formats.
• The next 3A release is WWRp Large Martin on 2/18 NZ time.
• Kevin Smith & Neil Gaiman had a twitter war today over Amanda Palmer. Personally I’d rather stick my dick in a meat grinder than in a phony german cabaret singer, but may the best man win.
• Academy Award noms announced today. The ten films in best picture category allowed in dark horses like District 9 and Avatar. If Avatar wins, we, as a race, deserve to be exterminated.
• MINDStyle has unveiled their second Black Hole vinyl figure, Maximilian.
• If Zac Efron ends up playing Spider-man, all those who wished Raimi away will be very sorry.
• Some nice pics and trailers from the Upcoming Losers film are floating around, including less revealing than I’d like naked Uhura pics.
• Rich Johnston (and his writers) still should not write about things he/they do not understand. Since last time, more about toys and a piece about Saturday Night Live. Hey Teabags, we don’t care about your BBC 99-part history of chain mail either!
• Avengers relaunch is in May by Bendis & John Romita, Jr.
• Amazon had a tough week, what with the iTampon announcement and now a fight/showdown that they made public and then caved on with MacMillan over e-book pricing. This skirmish leads us to think that Jobs has agreed to a $14.99 price point on bestsellers and that publishers are going to expect the same deal from Amazon now that there is serious competition for the market. And seriously, if you don’t already have a kindle, why would you buy one now?
• American Psycho is going to be a Broadway musical with songs by Duncan Sheik. What? No Huey Lewis??
• The Sgt Rock movie is now going to be a GI Joe movie as the story is updated to a “future” war according to Joel Silver. Did they see the Joe film? Does the name Sgt Rock mean anything in a futuristic setting? Isn’t WW2 the whole point? Oh sorry, I was using common sense. Apologies.
• Cowboys & Aliens rebounded quickly from the loss of Robert Downey, Jr with Daniel Craig and now Olivia Wilde.
• Kate Beckinsdale is returning to the Underworld franchise in Underworld 3-D.
• There’s a Young Justice League animated series in the works.
• There are new trailers online for Clash of the Titans and a redband one for Kickass. Clash is moved back to April 2 for 3-D work, and the next Harry Potter film will be in 3-D as well. Thanks, James Cameron.
• Look for the Smallville movie this Friday night with the Justice League.
• Oprah’s farewell shows will have their own behind-the-scenes TV series. Just go away, bitch.
• Jesse Malin has a new band called “St Marks Social”, recalling the glory days of Coney Island High.
• The doc that killed Michael Jackson is surrendering to authorities in LA next week, yet the guys that did that to his face roam free.
• Barry Blitzer (TV writer of the Flintstones, Get Smart) has died. I’m going to start using his name because it’s the BEST NAME EVER!! And he’s not using it.
• Rob Zombie’s “sequel” to Hellbilly Deluxe was released today. Let’s hope it’s better than his other sequels.
• A-ha are playing three US dates on their “Farewell” tour. Yes, they are still around.
• The Slightly Tepid Chili Peppers have a new guitarist.
• Their old guitarist, Dave Navarro, is going to be in a new porno based on the 60’s Batman TV show. It’s the only way he can get to bang chicks as leathery and spent as ex-wife Carmen Electra.
• Charlize Theron is single.
• Brittany Murphy’s deadbeat husband is launching a “charity” “foundation” in her name at an “event” that costs $1000 to attend.
• The My Bloody Valentine reissues are pushed back AGAIN. New date is March 8th, but let’s be honest, that won’t happen.
• Le Tigre have written songs for the next Christina Aguilera record, proving that everyone will whore themselves out if the right opportunity comes along.
• Johnny Depp has forgiven Roman Polanski and says the US should leave him alone because he’s nice now. Except that we’re not trying to bring him back to sentence him based on his character these days, we’re going to punish him for a crime he committed years ago, douchebag. Fucking actors. And directing a Keith Richards documentary isn’t going to make me think any better of you, Edward Scissorhands. How about you answer this?; if someone doped up your underage daughter and then ass-raped her, would you want them to face justice after thirty + years, or would you want them to go free because they’ve been married for a few years now? That’s what I thought, Jackass Sparrow.
• There is going to be a Milli Vanilli movie.
• That’s enough. Go watch LOST.

DC Universe Classics 11 & Flight Stand Review

While still in the process of writing 2000 other pieces, two DCU 11 sets arrived today and I wanted address this new wave quickly.

I’m not going to litter this piece with pictures – with a simple Google search you can find plenty of pictures better than anything I can be bothered to take. The one picture here is meant to illustrate the lameness of both the figure and “flight” stand.

After 10 previous waves and many box sets, lots of the same problems that have plagued this line since day one are still present:

1) the ball-jointed neck that doesn’t look up or down
2) the generic nature of the sculpts
3) the blocky ankles that make the flight poses look awkward because the lines of the body don’t look natural.
4) ill-advised love affair with Super Powers
5) Stupid T-crotch
6) Ugly & obvious thigh cut
7) It's called ENGINEERING

Hopefully the shifting of ToyGuru to the GL movie line will result in a fresh set of eyes that will save DCUC from extinction and rectify the stupid shit ToyGuru has failed to fix over the past few years. For example, this wave is not exactly packed with A-listers. Here’s what you get:

Katma Tui: Both of mine have paint issues as does John Stewart. Oddly, the issue is on pieces that are molded in solid green plastic but are both painted solid black – which is not only a waste of paint, but also an unneeded application. The female body sucks. The arms are too spindly. In this case the head is also huge, which adds to the disproportionate look of the figure overall. By the way, FIRST TIME IN SIX INCH!!!!!! "Oh mommy, can I get it? This character I've never heard of has finally been made as a six-inch figure!! The power of lazy meaningless marketing compels me!"

John Stewart: Yawn, although the accessories (detachable Lantern fist & gun) are nice, especially as there are hardly any accessories in this line (another issue that should be fixed). Same paint issues as Katma.

Steppenwolf: There are two versions, the comic version and the Super Powers version. Again, a D-lister. Execution is fine, but they will rot on shelves. No one under 40 knows either version. Even in the 80’s Kenner knew this character needed to be a mail-order figure. Twenty + years later, neither new version comes with a C&C piece – the lack of which would normally make him the least desirable figure in the Wave, but ToyGuru has dug deep and found a less appealing character. Who is less sellable than Stepenwolf? Welcome…..

Shark: Hello peg-warmer! This ugly execution of an interesting character design is completely ruined by the connection of the head to the neck. Also, kids don't buy characters in shiny pink jumpsuits. If you can’t execute properly, why bother with this D-lister? Please note there are running changes with this figure including a cute “Bubbly-Bubble” and a revision to the paint job that eliminates the pupils.

The Question: This is the fan poll winner (according to the sticker on the package – as if that will drive sales in any way). Thin arms and a rubber overcoat restricts movement to such a degree that much of the articulation is compromised. Hands are sculpted to hold guns that aren't included. yay.

Deadman: Horrible headsculpt and once again, the thin, spindly body looks wrong. Thin, yes. Monkey arms, no. I thought they were going for classic looks in this line.

Cyborg Superman: Fine, but again, articulation is unnecessarily compromised.

Kilowog: Here’s your C&C figure; nice except there’s an issue with either the T-crotch being too large or the range of motion in the hip joints are too limited, but regardless of the cause, the legs & crotch don’t fit together well. This means that even with the side swivel ankle joints, Kilowog’s legs can’t move close enough together to get his feet flat on the ground, making this top-heavy figure ready to fall over if a gnat farts in the next room.

OVERALL: As usual the C&C fig is pretty good, although this one has a huge flaw that is impossible to overlook. The case ships with more Flash, Batman and Superman reissues. So the new figures are two marginal Lanterns (& one from second-tier), a Superman variant, and the others are basically unknown or unexciting to anyone except hardcore DC fans. This line is being brand managed out of existence.

And while I’m shitting on Mattel, you’ll notice the pic of Deadman in the “flight” stand. These were sold on the Matty website, at the outrageous price of $12 for three (!). I was surprised to see these are made from the same crappy plastic as your mom’s old Tupperware (she brought me a slice of apple pie in it after I did her in your old bedroom). It’s translucent, not clear, so the illusion of flight it’s supposed to simulate is lost. Also, as you can see, the stand isn’t very high, so in the case of Deadman, you can’t even have him hovering in the air, because his TOES TOUCH THE GROUND. It looks like he’s practicing ballet. And come to think of it, that’s the face I’d make if I had to walk around on my toes. So in case you were wondering where I’m going with this, these stands are overpriced, badly-conceived pieces of shit that should be avoided at all costs.

Mattel's Matty Mego Misfire

Straight from Mattycollector.com, I received the first in a new line by Matty and company: The 1970s Mego 8" Super-Hero knock off, the Green Arrow. Or 'Retro-Action Super Heroes' as they calls 'em now. Mattel's Toyguru and his DC Universe team were oh-so-proud of launching this retro knock off when the line was unveiled during the 2009 San Diego Comic-con.

We should have known better...this launch is the next in an ever growing list of mis-fires by this incompetent group. Oh, we know now that Toyguru has moved on within the ranks of Mattel and he will no longer be mis-managing the the DCU brand but as this figure shows, his legacy will linger on at least until 2011.

It's not so much the figure itself we dislike. As usual for this group it comes down to shitty execution. Look, the retro idea seems ok for what it is but both Toy Biz and Hasbro (Twice) have played with this retro Mego idea. Twice in the 1990s ('Famous Covers' for TB and 'DC Super Stars' for H) and once in the past decade (Spider-Man Origins). Every time, no matter how they were produced or marketed, these lines just could not connect with today's collectors. Eight inch male dolls with cloth outfits just don't work anymore. Not even on some small scale collector level. Period. The only potential collectors of Mego are well over the age of 40 at this point. If they really want to have a Mego figure in their collection, they generally have the income to go buy originals. The originals are, of course, quite pricey at this point but that only adds to the desire to own vintage toys from one's own childhood. It's a simple proven fact that any major toy company that attempts to cultivate a new collector line based upon ideas in the Mego-like realm is in for major disappointment.

So here we are with Toyguru's dream of remaking the World's Greatest Super-Heroes. And here's the big launch with DC Comic's Green Arrow on a blister card that is also supposed to be a reproduction of the kind of packaging the originals were sold within. So imagine my shock when I see how piss-poor the packaging quality of the actual sample turned out. The card itself is flimsy and warped within the outer white box package. Great. Thanks for selling a warped collector toy on a collector retail site to a collector. We love that.

The real shock here is the absolute shoddy printing across the front and back of this blister card. The colors bleed into one another and it's all blotchy. For fuck's sake, no one proofed the final packaging? A team of brand managers and artists working at one of the world's major toy companies couldn't see this or correct before it went into production and shipped all the way over from China? Inexcusable. And don't try to tell us it's fucked up on purpose and is in keeping with some retro/vintage, shelf worn look they were actually striving for. I've bought and sold plenty of the real thing before. Hell, the other Bittergeek on this blog has a collection of the real deal and be hard pressed to find any in his carded Mego collection that look anywhere close to this shitty.

What a crappy launch. My first and last purchase of Mattel's Retro Hero line. Can't wait until Matty starts begging in posts online for collectors to purchase more and support the line.

We'll let the photos take over now and speak for themselves. Click for a closer look. I gotta go dump this turd on ebay before others figure it out.

Matt-tarded

Mattel and their collectors site, Mattycollector, continue to go from strength to strength in terms of pissing off their customers, and the most recent Matty offering (on December 15th) has taken the crown as the worst offender ever from the previous record-holder, August.

Please note that August was only 3 months ago, so expect more shenanigans in the near future – like on, say, December 23rd when their first fake Mego and the real site-crasher, DCU 11, goes on sale.

So what happened this time? Well, first the site went to shit within minutes of the noon EST launch time. Customers couldn’t check out, quantities greater than one weren’t being recognized, error messages were the norm and many encountered what has become affectionately known as RSOD or the “Red Screen Of Death.”

15 minutes into this clusterfuck the Matty Facebook page was updated with a message that stated they knew there was a problem and were working on it. Then, nothing.

Customers were forced to spend upwards of an hour trying to place orders that should take seconds to complete. Many had to order each item individually as a workaround to the uncooperative shopping cart, incurring extra shipping charges (and why does Matty charge tax to everyone, even when they do not operate in every State?).

By the time the problem was fixed (about two hours in) the message boards were on fire with horror stories and the re-release of Skeletor was sold out, which further aggravated already pissed-off customers who had wasted two hours trying to simply buy Mattel product.

The comments ranged from Mattel apologists on one side to enraged customers who vowed to quit the lines.

How did this happen? Good fucking question.

Mattel has been running this site for nearly a year, and it has been plagued with issues the entire time. In August, lots of orders were lost, cards were charged and customers were left frustrated trying to get a response, many of which remain unanswered.

Mattel’s e-commerce partner, Digital River, is a huge company whose slogan is “Nobody Offers More Ways To Build Your E-Commerce Business.” Apparently, Mattel chose the "shitty" option from the Digital River menu.

Certainly Digital River deserves plenty of blame, but Mattel is the real problem.

First of all, after nearly a year of class-a clusterfucks, why are they still using Digital River? Of course Mattel has a contract with DR, but this can easily be broken if the partner fails to deliver, unless they signed the worst contract ever, which, considering the way Mattel has operated over the last few years, may be the most likely answer.

Second, after nearly a year of class-a clusterfucks, why are they making their largest product offering ever without solving the problems first? We’re not even taking into account that Mattel was planning to offer DCU11 and the Green Arrow Mego on the same day - until they suddenly realized that either a) they would not have product in time (the official story) or b) that shipping is a profit center and that they could improve their margins with two offerings in one month, causing the same customers to place twice as many orders and pay twice the shipping (our guess).

Of course Matty knob-polishers like Julius Marx and his ilk (who would never criticize the company because their free product pipeline might get cut off) failed to address the issue at all in their toy news sections although their message boards were on fire with angry customers who rightly called it like they saw it.

Speculation ran rampant, mostly focused on cart issues. Did scalpers buy up all the Skeletors because the cart wasn’t functioning properly (not honoring the limit of 10 pcs per customer)? Did the cart artificially tabulate a higher number of sales, meaning that there really were fewer sold than the faulty cart indicated?

Instead of addressing the disaster, Matty & his human nerd puppet “ToyGuru” were busy “answering” fan questions on various collectors websites, an exercise that makes as much sense as eating twinkies while working out. And why not? After all collectors don’t want you to tell them if their money has been hijacked when they could be getting informative answers like these instead:

“Q4. Is there any chance we might see small villain groups for the DCUC line such as Royal Flush Gang, Brotherhood of Evil or Fearsome Five? Each of these have a build-a figure character potential (Ace, Mammoth, Monsieur Mallah & the Brain) that would be awesome to see 4horsemen style!

A4: Definitely a chance, but nothing we can confirm right now.

Q5. Whenever the Legion of Super-Heroes are released for the DCUC line can we expect to see them have a whole wave like wave 8 was for JSA or will they be peppered into other waves?

A5: We have some great plans for LOSH but it is too early for us to get into these specifics. “

While he was busy not answering questions (under the guise of answering questions), ToyGuru was ignoring the growing anger of his disenfranchised customer base.

Finally, the Facebook page was updated with a message stating that Mattel hadn’t gotten their full allotment of Skeletors from the factory and that the figure would be re-offered in the spring.

What???!!

Mattel has been crying foul on production issues for three years now. Initially this was justified as Chinese factories closed and product and parts vanished without notice. This cost Mattel a small fortune and sent the company scrambling for excuses as they pissed off vendors and fans by failing to address the issue in a timely manner.

But they have been re-using the excuse to cover up other failures and passing the cost of the loss onto their customer base by increasing the price of their products by 30%. Other companies suffered similar issues at the same time and were able to overcome them, why not Mattel?

It’s difficult to imagine that this Skeletor shortage was a surprise to Mattel unless they are even more incompetent than they have demonstrated themselves to be over the last few years. It’s hard to imagine with a bar set this high, but certainly not implausible.

So were they trying to meet a year end number to justify the ongoing Mattycollector site experiment? Are they, as has been whispered in El Segundo, looking for an excuse to throw ToyGuru out on his inexperienced ass?

It’s impossible to know, because, as usual, Mattel remains tight-lipped and unhelpful in addressing any of their ongoing issues that affect their dwindling customer base, but they plan more releases through this frustrating and ineffective system.

Clearly they are in over their heads on a number of levels, including manufacturing, distribution and line management. It’s too bad that this potential profit-center is being destroyed by poor execution.

PS: Look for our long-in-the-works upcoming series “Why Superhero Toys Suck Part One: Mattel” coming soon!

Mattel's TOYGURU...marketing whiz

Really? First time?! Oh, hell FOR SURE Grandma will drop Batman in the aisle for this treasure!

Mattel's resident fuck-up, TOYGURU, the guy in charge of (destroying, we think) the popular DC Universe brand of action figure lines, must have thought long and hard about how to market the GUARDIAN figure in DC Classics wave 9.

Now in the pecking order of comic heroes, it's hard to imagine you can find a handful of hardcore comic nerds who even know who this character is much less give a shit if he was ever made into a plastic figure.

But Guardian was a smooth body figure that Toyguru found and ol' Toyguru loves to re-use smooth body figures so he won't have to spend any sculpting money on 'em. But apparently 'Guru, knowing a peg-warmer when he sees one, must have decided that this figure needed that certain pizzazz to move him off of the pegs in the toy aisles. And unlike the shit he over shipped to the poor retailers all year like Captain Cold and Gay Blue Aquaman, he determined that this potential loser would need the extra push. So even though the tag means nothing to the moms or kids or even the collectors (they need to buy him anyway) the sticker for the shout out was made!

"FIRST TIME IN 6 INCH!"

Oh! Well is there an 8" version? 3"? 12"? 5.5"? Um, no. But who cares. Wave 9 of the series isn't making it to retailers anyway.

Another example of 'Guru wasting time in the wrong places with this brand. How the idea for such a wasted sticker wasn't laughed out of El Segundo, we'll never know. How does Mattel find 'em?

When will Mattel wise up with the DCU?

Has there ever been such a great line of figures so horribly mis-handled by it's brand managers in the history of toys? The six inch DC Universe Classics line by Mattel is absolutely on par with the best of the old Marvel Legends figure line when Toy Biz was calling the shots for the brand. You want 'em, I want 'em, comic fans of all ages love 'em. So why do the powers that be at Mattel continue to screw this line up so badly?

Mattel can't continue to claim overseas production problems are to blame for poor instocks or bad assortment circulation. This line is at least two years old now, if you blame manufacturing at this point, it's total bullshit. Based on how we continue to move backwards with really odd random case assortments of older waves to date, and the god-awful choices within (Gay Blue Aquaman! Keep putting him out, collectors love him!), you have to wonder why the same people at Mattel get to handle this brand. It's like someone at the company is trying hard to tank this entire line.

Retailers only have so much patience...if a company can't maintain in-stocks, any large scale retailer will look at removing the sku from the shelves until the company can demonstrate they can produce a regular flow of product. Target does this all the time with problem items. Mattel can't maintain in-stocks with the new DCU waves so they are sending out older stock to keep their shelf space until the new figures are ready to ship in a more controlled fashion. But the catch-22 here is that most collectors don't want all these older figures they already chased down months ago. And if collectors don't want the current assortment, for god's sake Mattel, at least ship mainstream iconic heroes and villains so at least kids and parents want 'em. No Gay Aquaman, no Booster Gold, no Dr Impossible, just Supes, Bats, Flash, etc. How hard is that to figure out, really?

So, we are all watching current DCU inventory rot on the pegs. Sales will slow to a point where the retailer questions the viability of the line, or simply tires of Mattel's antics and just cuts the line out entirely and moves on. This summer is make or break for Mattel and DCU with all the big retailers...if the brand managers don't get their shit together fast, we can kiss this line good-bye in 2010.